Here’s the thing, it’s so sad to observe the negative comments currently being hurled at Tiwa Savage, owing to her decision to tell her side of her story with regard to husband’s recent suicide attempt. The one common thread running through these commentaries is that Ms Savage brought what should be private matter into public space; ergo…she ‘aired her dirty linens in public.’
Those responsible for these observations seem to have forgotten one vital fact…the first public part of the drama currently being played out began with T-Bilz himself. He first welcomed the public into his life with Tiwa. Why then should Tiwa not counter with her version of what her husband would have us believe is the truth? Even in a court of law (and this does not apply to the Nigerian courts alone but is observed in every court the world over) no case is ever judged without hearings from both sides. Why should it be different in T-Bilz vs Tiwa?
Culture. That world says it all. In the Nigerian culture a woman is not supposed to admit publicly that she is being put through hell by the very man who had promised, before God and man, to love and cherish her. She is expected to grin and bear her burden in private (however unreasonable and inhuman that burden may be). She is expected to do the ‘right thing’ for the sake of her family’s name and respect. And by family, I am talking about her husband’s. She is expected to cover up all of her husband’s dirty secrets, even at the expense of her own life and sanity – as a matter of fact, often at the expense of her own life and sanity.
Ask any Nigerian woman and at least 8 out of 10 will tell you their own marital horror story, or the horror story of a sister, an aunt, a friend, a mother…you name it. Yet, let a situation like Tiwa’s surface and these same women will be the first to pow-wow about what should and what shouldn’t being made public knowledge…and all in the name of ‘saving face.’ Whose face exactly? One wonders.
Now, here’s what I want to know:
- When will our women realize that covering up the thoughtless deeds of an irresponsible and insensitive man, all in the name of ‘saving face’, makes them direct accessory to the behavior of that man…the very behavior that is causing their home to derail?
- When will they understand that allowing their men to get away with not taking simple, basic responsible for their actions actually makes these men terrible not better spouses?
- When will Nigerian women accept that continuing with the pretense that all is well (when it is obviously not) is self and community-destructive?
- When will our women wake up to the understanding that just because your husband pays for the roof over your head, it does not mean he is entitled to use you as a punching bag or to disrespect you at whim, and before all and sundry?
- Most importantly, when will Nigerian men start treating their women as real partners in this institution called marriage, and not as cattle or work horses that should comply to their every demand?
Now, I am not saying that private issues between a husband and wife should be discussed at a podium. But majority of the time in most Nigerian homes, even close family members from both sides have no idea what is going on. I personally know of a case where a woman falsely admitted to being involved in a motorcycle accident in order to explain away the many scratches all over her body: scratches that were brought about at the ‘loving’ hands of her husband.
T-Bilz stated that his reason for wanting to leave this world in such an unconventional manner was because of his wife’s lack of care for his person – although, in my opinion, the jury is still out on that one. Based on current information, the 45million Naira may have played a more vital part. After all, when you are being hunted by those you owe that kind of money, and you don’t have it to pay back, it is safe to assume that the afterlife would appear increasingly rosy and preferable to the thoughts of what the owner(s) of the money would do if they catch up with you.
Still, assuming T-Bilz’s claim that his mental derailment was a direct result of his wife’s lack of love: notably, making him feel less manly as well as her refusal to ‘cook for me in years’ – although why this last bit should have figured prominently in his decision to off himself is a little surprising…this is a grown man we are talking about, after all. And he could not get his own meals? Plus, they numbered a cook as part of their domestic staff so, one figured, he could not have been going without food; which makes the case for the 45 million even more plausible.
Anyway, assuming he is right, why didn’t he suggest a more inclusive (at least for Tiwa and their immediate family) and positive approach to their problems like, say, counseling – at least, if only for the sake of his two- year-old son? What kind of man would consider resorting to suicide over a reason as banal as the ones he has given – especially knowing the future implication his actions would have for his young son?
What is most galling about the many remarks on Tiwa supposed lack of consideration for T-Bilz’s mental state is that there’s hardly a mention of her husband’s atrocious behavior during his wife’s miscarriage of their second child. Let’s even put aside the issue of cocaine inhaling, his cheating, his dishonest handling of the finances accruing from her shows: yes, let’s put all that aside for the moment and ponder on the miscarriage. When is it okay for a husband to display the kind of callousness T-Bilz exhibited during that miscarriage? To consider of more importance staying cooped up with your girlfriend somewhere while your wife is going through the kind of emotional, mental and physical turmoil that usually accompanies the lose of a pregnancy? Why is no one berating T-Bilz for that? Whilst many are busy feeling so sorry for him because his wife’s ‘thoughtless’ resulted in his lose of self-respect, why hasn’t someone had the good sense to tell the man that respect is earned, not demanded!
Finally, the worst part of the current Tiwa bashing is that the negative comments are predominantly from women. This is so, so, sad. The fact of the matter is that most Nigerian women are Tiwa Savage. Most can relate to her story – whether directly, or indirectly. Which makes one wonder why there seem to be such lack of empathy and instead, plenty outpour of vitriol. One would have thought that Ms Savage case would have acted as a collective podium for every Nigerian woman to stand up and say ENOUGH IS ENOUGH! To men who want to get married but are not prepared to be husbands; who want to father children but are not ready to be fathers; to men who want to put up houses but are not ready to build homes. By: Sarah Udoh-Grossfurthner, she can be reached @ sarah_udoh@yahoo.com
